What Hurts the Most

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Posted by Casey Haaf : Sep 28 2011

You never know how bad things get until you see tomorow. That seems to be my motto lately, because everytime i wake up I sink into a deeper depression even though I was sure that yesterday was the very bottom .
my doctor tells me its just the hypothyroidism, that once they fix that i'll feel better. but i know i wont. My LIFE needs to be fixed, then ill get better. The guy i fell in love wiht is married to another woman. he never knew how i felt about him, or how in my most depressed days he gave me hope to hang on to. for weeks i havent been able to get a hold of my friends, and its starting to hurt bad cause they were the only thing buffering me against my depression....
Now its just me, college, and depression. Im not even passionate about my major anymore. im not passionate about anything. Ive lost all my artistic talent. it seems like it went down the drain. because of that i feel like i lost a part of my identity.
But the part that's hurts the very most. The most precious thing in the world that that i have lost but cant live without :
my ability to love.
when you have depression, the feelings you have for people and things fade away because you can't feel pain. If you can't feel pain, you can't feel love. i pray every night for God to bring on the pain, or give some feelings back to me, because the emptiness is unbearable. I feel pointless, like my life is a fuzzy dream i cant wake up from. nothing feels real anymore

Posted by Casey Haaf : Sep 28 2011

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