My Depression

My Depression
By Dylan
25 Years Old

hi,my name is Dylan and I m 25 yrs old. I know I m depressed but i haven't had any help. I believe i got depressed when i was 18.see,my whole life before that i was fine and very happy. I had an episode when i was 18 and since then I have been depressed and getting worse.when i was 18 i got involved with a girl and then she messed with me. Basically i got my heart broken.and i didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't know it would get worse.and as i was weak from this i had my friends and family mess with me more. Then i started to get more depressed. I used drugs before and alcohol. I started smoking pot regularly at 13, but tried pot at 11.i started drinking occasionally at 13 too. But not heavy to where i had a problem.

as the years went on i started using pot and alcohol more.but i also got into other stuff. I did crack, coke, PCP, speed, nitrous oxide, LSD and i even smoked heroin. But, my main thing was pot and alcohol. Then as i got to the age of 17-18 i was using speed and crack more often. I think some of that was also the reason i started getting depressed. Finally one day i said to myself when i was high that i didn't ever want to feel like crap again. Then, right there, I never touched it again. I haven't touched drugs or alcohol since part of it was because i realized it was messing me up physically and mentally.and i was depressed so i told myself i need a clear mind and i need to get my head out of my rear end.

well i guess i didn't know how to handle it and i was embarrassed to let my feelings out about how i felt. I started to notice my life changing. I started not ging out as much and if i did it was only at night. I think the embarrassment was because of a reputation i was trying to keep. I thought as myself as a strong person and was embarrassed to be seen all messed up. I was really messed up.my mind wasn't in the right place to know what was going on. I started believing that at 18 this was my whole life. It seemed that everything was an issue. I was thinking of all kinds of things. I just basically started to deteriorate. Since this was happening nobody was nice to me. Everybody i knew was really messing with me. Doing things that were pure evil. I think that they were jealous of me always and that this made them feel really good to finally be above me. I know there was a lot of reasons people envied me for.my family wasn't supportive at all. They just ignored it and kinda accepted it and kinda thought it was funny in a way.

it was funny to talk about my issues. Seeing me fall apart like that was i guess interesting. I didn't even feel alive i felt cold,worried,scared and alone. I made stupid decisions while i was like this.its all because of the depression.see,if i would have known i could have gotten help then but i was confused to what was going on. I never experienced something like this and it was very powerful.and i thought that maybe i could get over it on my own.

I m 25 now and still in the same situation.ive thought about suicide plenty of times but i cant do it. I know that its something i really don't want. I just keep thinking that ill get better and someday ill be happy again. I still think like I m hiding this depression but i know everybody knows. I have no friends now, and my family is small and somewhat divided.my brother and sister are both married now and they are hardly around and i don't think they even care enough to get back with me and be a part of me and help. I sometimes think they have just disapeared.and my mom is basically into her own life too. Shes just looking forward to retirement and moving. They seem to make plans without me. They go out all the time and I m not included or they make other types of plans and I m not thought of as being part of them. I live with my mom cause i have no choice. Its not like i want to but this depression is causing it. I haven't done much in the last 7-8 years. People still talk about me they call me a loser and make fun of my situation. They don't understand what its like to be depressed.its hard to get out of it when everyone in your world is against you instead of with you.my brothers wife especially is cruel.

i cant live like this anymore. I feel sad whenever i see things going on.its like i want to have what i deserve but i cant cause of depression. I really have no life right now. I know its time i get help.but i have the fears,phobias and the discouragement from others to worry about. I feel stuck. The people that hurt me are still within range of me. I cant think positive or happy when those same people drop in or call me. Its like i want to lose that part of me.im beginning to realize what i need but depression gives me worries. I feel like i cant ever have any friends or a girlfriend because those same people will somehow ruin it.

these people have turned out to be some real scumbag cowards.ive realized this. I guess that's one thing i learned while being depressed. I found out who some people really are.but its hard to let go since I have known some of these people my whole life practically. I don't think i could get anything positive going cause of this.

well basically the last 7-8 years have been hell and its made me feel really like crap. I believe I m the wrong person for this. This has really affected my personality and my whole being all together. It has destroyed me in many ways. I still have my mind and I m not crazy or anything.im still able to learn and i think as myself as being pretty smart.

now i am starting to realize and accept i have a major problem and its something,no matter how hard i try,i cant get rid of on my own. I guess its been my ego that's prevented me from thinking this way. I never once thought about going to therapy or anything. I thought i could beat it on my own.but you know what, i cant do it. I need some serious help.im starting to educate myself on depression and I m trying to learn of some techniques i could use to calm it down.my next step is going to a doctor and getting into a program. I feel good about it but I m also scared. I have a feeling I m gonna get very sad and may even cry. I know I m gonna be put into situations i don't wanna be in. I hardly leave my house and that also tells me i need serious help. I know though that this is all part of the recovery process.and i seriously don't want to live like this any longer. I feel good now that i let this out . I know I have atleast expressed myself to others and i don't feel too embarrassed anymore because I m finding out a lot of people are like me. Thanks and God Bless

Posted by Dylan : Jan 10, 2006

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Dylan, I feel like I could have wrote this story myself. This is the first story I could really relate to. I'm glad you shared it. It really hit home. It lets me know I am not alone. Thank you - Tri

I could really relate to your story and I feel what you are going through. I am also 25 and living at home. I am lonely and feel like I will never have a life. When will the pain end? Thanks for sharing your story. I wish you the best. - Tina