one girl, one depression, one not understanding world

Posted by seideh : Sep 28 2011

okay it all beginned in 8th grade and had this stupid jerk crush and i had also stupid jerk friends who always gave me shit dirt commentares! and without knowing back then that deep inside me i was actually verry sensitive and i was thinking all the time about him i was so naive too and my friends knew that too and ofcourse they slapped shit jerk commentaries about it too anyway one day i heard that they talked about me with my crush behind my back and they talked about me that i was a monkey or a troll and i know they did it i just cried after that and i started to question myself and thought to myself if my crush thinks that of me what does other think? am i so nice like i thought i was? and does other really like me?

and when i was done school i kept myself locked in my room and just dreamed about my crush and all the bad experience i had through that year in love with him and once i was back in school in 9th grade i was over him but it hurted everytime i saw him and was afraid what everyone else thought about me and i didn't talk to any of my friends when i was 14th it got worse i tried to hide who i was away behind a stupid fucking smile and pretended everything was okay while inside me i was floaded with feelings and i just didn't want to be there and holding on i couldn't show myself so i just had to smile all the time like i was putting on a stupid dirt mask and no one had a clue about the real me inside and didn't get a shit that i was so responsable for commentaries but i couldn't say anything in fear they would turn thei're back and say geeze why is she so grumphy why has she suddenly got so 14ish girl and tell me i could handle that little thing and i just had to hide it behind a mask i got sick and tired of smiling everyday and say everything is okay and still try to be happy cause that's who i was like before and that's what people expected of me i was so grumphy and angry and took out frustration at my parents when i got home and locked myself in my room and wouldn't show myself to the world cause i couldn't handle to get stabbed in the back or get a knife in my soul to end up hurted again i just wouldn't

so i was just all broken i couldn't trust people after that i was alone in my room and wanted to be alone and never come out i stayed in darkness where i felt safe and i couldn't get out of it sometimes i wanted to kill myself and just end life but there was something that hold me back my family who makes me feel guilty and don't understand a shit and my stupid jerk friends who don't care a shit about me but would hate me for it but why should i care when they are such idiots they don't realize it's thei're fault i would ended my life i got confussed over who i was who i was pretending to be and who i should be i got so depressed and wondered where the damn heck i belonged and no one around did understand how it was so i feel all alone and lost my will to live i gave up it was hopeless the only hope i have left is that i'm gonna get better when i'm turning 15 or at leats not so depressed i don't know..one thing i get really provoked off is how people don't care a shit just because you're 14 and are sad and tired and mad they just think it's for fun and criticize they don't understand a shit i wish they would just shut up! do they really expect someone to be happy all the time just thinking bright look at the positive in life then they got a problem not us i can't think positive when i'm surronded by darkness in me and somewhat it has digging even deeper and have gotten a part of me it's my soul if i should have change it i must have change all me and how can i do that?

i can't wake up and suddenly heal miraceles it can't heal so i've just chosen to stay down there in the dark cause that's where i feel safe from the world and all judging and mopping i just get so annoyed about those jerks in life and both in my life but i don't wanna tell anything how it is in fear that they could attack me back with a hurting commentary that i just can't operate cause i'm afraid what they would think after and i'm too sensetive to could handle those little commentaries who still is affencive and sticks me like a knife i can't trust anyone i got no one who i can support me to and just would shut up and just give me a shoulder to cry on for god sake is that too much to ask for someone who don't give stupid advice but shuts up and just be there for me when i need it most and not judge me and acepts me for who i am not because the fake smile someone truth who looks behind the stupid shit mask but no humans just criticize criticize criticize no fuck shit i hate life i hate people i hate world i'm lost i'm alone i'm confussed i'm sad andgry anxious and depressed and right now so really weak thoguh i try to seem strong at the outside and trying just to holding on the day and take on all the pain while inside it all hurts i use all my energy to put on the mask and be someone else do you get how tired i get of it i haven't cried for two years before one day i told someone who tries to help me but i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere i'm still stuck but anyway i told them how i hated my life and all the stupid jerk people and that no one on eartn could ever understand it and i couldn't hold it anymore i blowed out in tears and showed them the real me the one i've been trying to keep hided in me the feelings i've been pushing back for anyone to notice all leted out in tears it was much more heavier than i imagion after i wasn't strong anymore i was too weak to continiue to speak but i kept doing it cause once it was out i could speak open minded i could be myself it was like a durried got off my shoulders i was so relifed to finally show who i was it was 10 tonn more easier after..i still have it hard and too afraid to go to school since i wouldn't get better it would go back to be a hells nightmare with classes i can't focus at it with what i have to carry what i have to go thtough that is pure hells nightmare my life is so stressfull with family, friends, school, work and try to be brave i hate it everything i would have end my life here and now if it wasn't my family who dosen't understand me though they want to and my stupid jerk friends i don't care about would hate me they wouldn't cry they would hate me cause they never cared they would never understand and my one single little hope who shines a tiny little light down here in all darkness for getting better when i'm 15 but i don't know right now i don't know anything i don't know who the hell i am and who i should be who i will be so far i won't do anything i just wait and..well see if it gets better when i turn 15 i doubt it but...it's my only hope left and my only option closing myself in a dark room and stay there forever...i've tried everything else believe me... it's hopeless

Posted by seideh : Sep 28 2011

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