Depression gets the best of us

Posted by Ashley: Feb 26, 2011

I am a 13-year-old girl. I think I'm not pretty, but everyone says I'm beautiful. I never believe them. I've always had low self-esteem, but my depression started November 2010. I was just dealing with the Suicidal thoughts and not doing anything about it. Then I started burning myself quite often. I liked the pain. It got me away from everything for a while. I would lock myself in my room and listen to music or go on Facebook all day. Then in the beginning of January I started cutting. I was just cutting the top of my hands not that bad. Then I started cutting my arm a lot really badly. I couldn't stop. Then I started punching my ribs and stomach also. I stopped cutting for a while, then started again 5 weeks later on my hips. I was still burning and punching though. My friends and family never noticed anything at all. My best friend who lives 1500 miles away from me was the only one who knew. She was there for me. The only one who seemed to car. My depression was getting worse and worse. I was slowly dieing inside. I was going to commit suicide. I told my best friend. She was crying but said, "I understand. You will be my best friend forever. No one will ever replace you, ever. I wish I had to loose you never. I love you so much. And think it over, for me? I wish I could stop you, but that is kind of hard since we don’t live close to each other anymore. I’m sorry that you have to break my promise, but I understand. When you die, I will have pain, but probably not as much pain as you have right now." I ended up saying sorry and not doing it because I had a promise I had to keep with her. I promised her that I would see her before I died. I couldn't break that promise. I love her too much. I then told my brother that I had clinical depression. He didn't interrogate me at all like I thought he was going to. He asked what caused my depression. I told him that my friend told me that clinical depression isn't caused by you wanting it. It's caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. You can't control it. I was of course crying at this moment so he hugged me and held me tight and said, "I love you so much. And I'm sorry. You're beautiful and don't you ever forget that. Tell mom and dad, you can get medication. I hate seeing you frowning all the time. Smile :)" I tried to smile but I couldn't. He noticed, but never said anything. He kept kissing my head and I felt safe for the first time in forever in his arms. The last time I felt safe was when this guy I liked was holding me when it was dark. That was over 2 months ago. But now I just need to tell my parents. :/ My parents don't get it. No one does. I have so much pain. I'm addicted to the pain I get from hurting myself. I wish that my depression would go away one night when I went to bed, but it doesn't. I go to bed wishing I would die. I drive in a car wishing I would die in a car crash. I starve myself wishing I would die. But I don't. I need help, but I don't want it. My best friend said, “I’m done with you wanting to die. It’s dumb. Get over it!” I don’t choose to have this!! I want it to go away forever! I was born to be somebody, but not this somebody. Someone else. Happy. But I’m not.. Wish me luck threw the rest of my depressing journey.

Posted by Ashley: Feb 26, 2011

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