My story

Posted by TheRunawayKid : Feb 12, 2012

October 1996, i was born. A happy day for most people, but i think different. i wish i wasn't here, so i didn't have to go through hell every day. Put on a fake smile, pretend everything is okay and act like I'm on top of the world when really, my whole world is falling apart, i feel alone and scared and no one notices me...

i hate feeling alone, even in a crowded room full of people, i feel alone. The urges to cut, the voices in my head, the people i see..they wont go away, my life is one big struggle...

Back in December 2002 my Dad sadly passed away, he had a heart attack. That made me only 6. i was sad, angry and confused. why wasn't my dad coming home from work? why wasn't he in his bed in the mornings? why didn't he eat dinner with us? i was so young and i didn't understand what was going on. people started coming round to the house with flowers, saying sorry. sorry for what? why was Dad still not home from work? the days went by and he was no where to be seen...

Here i am now at the age of 15 left with the pain, the hurt to know, other people knew my dad better than i did, knowing I'm never going to see him again, and knowing i wont can ever tell him i love him again. its not fair in my eyes, why is God doing this to me? i deserve to know my Dad, right?...

it all started about two years ago, at the age of 13. i started wondering about my Dad, what happened? why didn't i get to see him? My Mum had explained all this to us when he passed away but, i couldn't remember. i felt so angry inside that God had done this, took my Dad away from me. i couldn't cope anymore, and so i picked a piece of glass up and cut my arm...i felt as though i was to blame for my Dads death. The blood ran from my arm, it didn't hurt anymore, i was free from anger and my arm wasn't even sore. Half an hour later the pain was back. i cut again, this time the cut was deeper and wider and again the pain was gone. it worked! when ever i cut the pain was away...

One year on at the age of 14, i still feel all this hurt and pain. I haven't told a sole. I make excuses for the cuts, burns and bruises on my arms...err i scratched it on a loose piece of wire. Matters got worse, i started loosing my temper easier than i used to. i kicked off at the slightest thing, everything and everyone annoyed me. I couldn't take this much longer. i was down, sad and upset everyday but no one noticed because of that fake smile. i still wanted answers, but these answers no one could give me...why me? why did this have to happen to me?...

along with this i would just feel crap for no reason, one minute id be alright, the next id be sad and really down. i hated it. id think about suicide. Dream of it happening to me. i just wanted to be dead.
It was getting to much, i decided i had to tell someone so i told Niki. That was the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I felt bad for dumping it all on her, she had her own stuff to deal with. I couldn't just rely on Niki to reassure me it was all going to be okay. She was great, she stuck by me, gave me great advice, she done everything she could to make sure i didn't do anything stupid and she has been such a great friend...thanks Niki...
I felt bad, all my friends not knowing what was going on. so i told Dani. she was such an amazing friend too, she gave me the courage to go see my school guidance and tell them what was going on, she even came along with me, thank you so much Dani!...

After that one meeting along came more, and more and more with a therapist. meeting after meeting after meeting. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why i was like this. my mum eventually got told what was going on, i had a meeting with her. her me and the therapist. we talked about how i was as a kid, what i was like after my dad had gone...my mum said she had saw a slight change in me. i started eating less...lost my appetite...
i still have meetings, I'm still cutting (less than before) I'm still grieving for my dad, i still feel all this pain and have my moments. but i think I'm slowly getting better...

I know there is no where worse to be than in a dark place...feeling lonely, un-loved, suicidal and so on. But you are not alone so don't ever think that, there are thousands of people who go through this on a daily basis just like you, in face there is 1 in 8 teenagers that suffer from depression. Please don't give up, don't stop fighting. you are special and unique in your own way and the world would not be the same without you. imagine what your friends and family would go through if they lost you...if you committed suicide. They could have helped you, someone could have helped you! Talk to someone before things get too much and before its too late. Talk to a friend, a relative, or even someone on the Internet who is struggling with the same experience as you. Talking and sharing your thoughts and feelings sometimes helps. it is better that someone knows how you are feeling rather than you just bottling it all up. if you self harm for any reason, try really hard not to...

Try to Distract yourself, take your mind off things. Things will get better eventually. The pain will slowly go away and the thoughts/memories will be pushed aside, you just have to give it time and you need to be strong. just remember you are not alone!! be brave, face the world with your head held high, put that smile on your face and be determined that you can do this!

Posted by TheRunawayKid : Feb 12, 2012

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