Acceptance

Posted by polina : Mar 1, 2011

My whole life people would always ask me "what's wrong?" and I never understood why everyone thought I looked sad. That is, until depression hit me harder than I could ever imagine in my worst nightmares.

I was in a very destructive, sick relationship with a 25 year old (I was 18 then) drug addict. We dated for almost a year until it nearly destroyed my life. We were both addicted to painkillers and always drank,smoked, etc. Looking back I realize I couldn't be sober with him for too long. the relationship was horrible. He has cheated on me in the worst way, has gotten aggressive a few times, and was a liar. He was still in college as well. But worst of all, he always gave me drugs for free.

I broke up with him this november but got back again in January. After about a month of dating again, I realized I am making a huge mistake. Not that people weren't screaming left and right that its a horrible idea, but I never listened. By then I lost most of my friends and barely kept in touch with my mom (I moved into his apartment). I was a lost cause to everyone. People had truly given up on me.

One day in January, I woke up next to him and experienced the worst mood swing I could imagine. I despised myself, him, his apartment, school, and people outside. I wanted to escape to another world. I told him how I feel and he laughed and said, "You are withdrawing silly, dont worry, we'll get more painkillers soon." I was in shock that I felt withdrawal. I did not want a life depending on drugs. And that was the beginning of my deepest, darkest, scariest month of my entire life.

I didn't have enough confidence to end the relationship because I knew how bad my addiction was to him and to his drugs. I wasnt ready to part with either. So every morning I woke up, I was afraid of the world. I got high off anything I could get my hands on and drank alone everyday. That didn't help the horrible feelings. My family was scared for my life and didnt know how to help because I didnt want help. I just cried all the time or was out drinking. However, the depression worsened by the hour. After a week of being confused about it, I found myself not getting out of bed, waking up at 6 am every morning with cold sweat and anxiety, being afraid to leave my house, and avoiding any type of contact with anyone.

The only person I still saw was my best friend. But even with her I felt even worse. I would soon make excuses to avoid hanging out with her because I was scared she would want to do social things. I became crazy.

I was terrified for my life. I thought I had lost my mind and would never be normal again. The way I thought was different - I had become a psychotic basketcase. I couldn't get myself to go to class or even outside. I hid from the world. There was no light at the end of the tunnel and I thought that this was it for me. I would never be the same.

Then, an amazing thing happened. I was visiting my stepfather at his home and stayed there over night. Next morning he left for work, and I did what I always did when he wasn't around - head for his medicine cabinet where he kept all his prescription pills. I stole xanax, sleeping pills, and klonopin. When I came home my mom noticed I was on something right away. She has caught me doing this before so she knew what to do. She went through my purse and found the pills. After a huge fight, I finally started begging for any type of help. I asked her to take me to a doctor because I couldn't live like that anymore.

The second I walked into the psychiatrists office, he said he could already tell how severely depressed I was. "It must be horrible living and feeling that way. You know you don't have to, you will get better I promise" he said as he filled out my prescription for wellbutrin and remeron. the combination of the 2 antidepressants was exactly what I needed.

After a week of taking them and feeling significantly better, I decided to rip off the bandaid and break up with my boyfriend. I was afraid I would give in to him again, but this time I was stronger. I refused to let him manipulate me as usual and stuck to my decision. It wasn't as hard as I thought. As days passed by, I noticed myself functioning and barely crying. I realized I was going to class and seeing people without being scared.

After two weeks of taking them, I went back to the doctor for a refill and this time he was surprised to see the difference in me. "You are a new person. I'm glad" he said as he proudly filled out my next prescription.

I am currently in my third week of medication and have never felt better in my entire life. For the first time in 19 years I want to live my life as the best version of me. I am seeing colors where I used to see nothing but grey before. I wake up with a smile on my face and appreciate each day. I smile at my reflection and enjoy being in my own skin. I am at my highest point right now and I dont plan on ever coming down. I stopped talking to my ex altogether and am trying my hardest to forget him like a bad dream along with my depression. I even cut down on smoking cigarettes and don't have urges to do drugs anymore. My interests woke up from the dead and I started engaging in school work and physical work outs. I had no idea this is how normal feels. I realized I never truly lived. I am now seeing life like a gift rather than a battle. I feel like I was born again.

For those of you going through severe depression, you are not alone and there is help for every one out there. Humans can survive a lot more than they think. So what if I have to take a pill every day? If I had a cold I would take medicine for it. And I am sick, mentally, and the second I accepted that and got help I became a happy person.

Posted by polina : Mar 1, 2011

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