Mental Health Experts Blog

The current world is highly competitive and challenging for a youngster and children especially. The tough college admissions process, jobs scenes, ever increasing toughness in doing business are all driving people crazy and unmanageable. These problems in today’s culture of high stakes are not solved until we become a perfectionist. But the problem does not end here. Being a perfectionist is proven to interfere a lot with the child’s ability to achieve goals and shape their futures. In fact, they often struggle with depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

Perfectionist kids can be divided into two categories – one as underachievers and second as overachievers. The first one tend to be paralysed by their perfectionism and could not make decision or try new things because they are too afraid to fail. Overachievers always relentlessly try new things and perform them perfectly.

When the achievers achieved something, they set the goals higher and higher. the realisation of being perfect does not come easy and although it comes, it becomes more and more difficult to choose between being perfect and the most effective strategy for getting things done.

Here are top signs of a Perfectionist child
Check on these questions for your child and find if they are overachievers or underachievers.

1. Are they Fear failure?
2. Do they believe that doing mistakes is not good?
3. Do your child feel comfortable with criticism or disapproval?
4. Thinks that if he gets C, it is end of world for him or her.
5. Have some solid rules of his/her own to abide with?

Ways to Support a Perfectionist Child

1. Teach your children to focus the efforts and process instead of results and outcome. Explain them that the journey is equally important as the goal.
2. Help your kids understand the meaning of learning from mistakes. The perspective should be mistakes are learning opportunities.
3. Challenge your child’s definition and standards for success. Explain that the world will not end because the result was not perfect.
4. If you see anxiety in them for something, talk with them about the efforts, outcome, etc. Check for their expectations and make them set realistic goals.
5. Ask your child what they are afraid of and what is the worst which can happen. This way, you will be able to understand your child’s expectations and fear.
6. Help them prioritise the tasks which will help them focus only on those which are well worth focusing and spending energy on. You will remove many of the tasks from their perfection list by this simple exercise – greatly reducing their burden.

You can be your own worst enemy. Negative critical messages you say to yourself can rev up your stress, hold you back, and take you down!

Negative self-talk are messages like:

• “You’re stupid.”
• “You can’t do anything right!”
• “You’re ugly.”
• “What a loser.”
• “You’ll never amount to anything.”

The messages in your head may be generated from low self-esteem or be repeats of messages voiced by flawed parents.

All too often, parents who don’t deal with their own shortcomings put them onto their children.

If you were repeatedly put down by a parent or other important adult—that was their stuff, not yours.

I noticed that I would say “You’re stupid” whenever I was disappointed in something I thought or did.

That message had haunted me for years but letting myself hear it clearly led me to being able to banish it from my inner repertoire.

In bringing the message up from my subconscious to my conscious in such a clear way I knew immediately where the message came from. My mother sent me that message in a myriad of ways including saying “You’re so stupid!”

I also realized “I’m not stupid.” This was mom’s stuff. She had her attributes but she had an 8^th grade education and—as she would say about other people but not herself—she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Mom overcompensated for her own ignored inadequate feelings by putting me down.

I developed a system for countering the message.

I came up with a list of evidence that I’m not stupid.

Whenever I heard “You’re stupid” in my head, I would say to myself “Reality check.” Then I would recount the list of evidence that I’m not stupid.

Eventually, I didn’t need to use all the items on my evidence list before I would feel myself snap out of feeling inadequate.

A short time later, I didn’t need the list anymore. Just saying “Reality check” would undo the “You’re stupid” message.

And soon, “You’re stupid” went away.

I had been rid of the “You’re stupid” message for over 20 years when one of my sisters told me she too had been haunted by “You’re stupid.”

I said to her “You too?” to express my surprise.  And she replied “With our mother, how could you not.”

To get rid of negative self-talk take these steps:

1. Begin to notice it. Pay attention to what you say to yourself. Rather than push it away, bring it up to full awareness and hear the message clearly. Possibly write it down so you’ve really got it.

2. Counter the message. The phrase “Reality Check” worked for me as a signal to counter the message. That may work for you too. Whether or not you use that signal, you want to challenge the message and provide yourself with evidence to the contrary. It may be helpful to write out the evidence.

3. Replace negative with positive. Possibly replace the negative message with its positive counterpart. “You’re stupid” can be replaced with “You’re not stupid” “You’re smart” “You can do this” “Academics aren’t your thing but there’s more to smart than school grades” or something else that empowers you.

Exercise

Reflect on whether you have any negative self-talk.

Where did that message come from?

How has the message gotten in your way?

Use the steps to practice riding yourself of the counterproductive message.

Donald Trump has grown an empire of wealth and power, but is it enough? He admits that it isn’t the money that motivates him (The Art of the Deal, 1987). What drives narcissists are their fears of feeling weak, vulnerable, or inferior. Consequently, for male narcissists in particular, achieving power is their highest value at any cost. Trump is “certain about what he wants and sets out to get it, no holds barred” (Trump on Trump).

There is great disparity between what narcissists show the world and what goes on inside. Despite their big egos, they’re frightened and fragile just the opposite of their grandiose, powerful façade. They must work hard to keep up their image, not only for others, but for themselves. In fact, their immodesty and exaggerated self-importance are commensurate with their hidden shame. Shame is paradoxical in that it hides behind false pride. Its defenses of arrogance and contempt, envy and aggression, and denial and projection all serve to inflate and compensate for a weak, immature self. Like all bullies, the greater their defensive aggression, the greater is their insecurity.

Shame fuels their needs for admiration, attention, and respect. “If I get my name in the paper, if people pay attention, that’s what matters” (Donald Trump: Master Apprentice, 2005). Trump wants “total recognition” as when “Nigerians on the street corners who don’t speak a word of English, say, ‘Trump! Trump!’” (New Yorker, May 19, 1997). Praise and success never fill a narcissist’s inner emptiness, nor compensate for deep-seated feelings of inadequacy.

To gain recognition and validation of their worth, narcissists brag and exaggerate the truth. They imagine themselves to be more special – more desirable, more intelligent, more powerful, more invincible – than others. “Some people would say I’m very, very, very intelligent” (Fortune, April 3, 2000). “My I.Q. is one of the highest!” (Twitter, May 8, 2013). “All the women on ‘The Apprentice’ flirted with me  – consciously or unconsciously” (How to Get Rich, 2004). “It’s very hard for them to attack me on looks, because I’m so good-looking” (NBC’s “Meet the Press,” Aug. 9, 2015). Trump announced his grandiose, unrealistic ambitions to Scott Pelley to force businesses to close foreign plants, to compel the Chinese to devalue their currency, and to build a cheap, impenetrable wall paid for by Mexico. (Estimates are $28 billion a year.)

It’s all or nothing with narcissists. For Donald Trump, there are winners, like himself (TrumpNation: The Art of Being The Donald, 2005), and losers, and he “doesn’t like to lose” (New York Times, Aug. 7, 1983). “Show me someone without an ego, and I’ll show you a loser” (Facebook, Dec. 9, 2013). Trump must stay on top and thrives on the challenge. “You learn that you’re either the toughest, meanest piece of [expletive] in the world or you just crawl into a corner … Guys that I thought were tough were nothin’” (New York magazine, Aug. 15, 1994).

Losing, failing, being second aren’t options. “Life to me is a psychological game, a series of challenges you either meet or don’t” (Playboy, March 1990). He “lies awake at night and thinks and plots” (New York magazine, Nov. 9, 1992). These high stakes make for vicious competitiveness, where offense is the best defense. “Sometimes, part of making a deal is denigrating your competition” (The Art of the Deal, 1987).

Narcissists have a “my way or the highway” attitude and don’t like to hear no. Others’ limits make them feel powerless as they did as a child, which is very frightening. They can throw a childlike tantrum when others don’t comply. When their imagined omnipotence and control is challenged, they manipulate to get what they want and may punish you or make you feel guilty for turning them down.

By projecting their aggression outward, the world appears hostile and dangerous. “The world is a pretty vicious place” (Esquire, January 2004). People who are seen “as out for themselves” (Playboy, March 1990) become adversaries to defeat or control. To keep safe, they push others away, fending off threats and humiliation, and they do so aggressively. Women “are far worse than men, far more aggressive … ” (The Art of the Comeback, 1997). “You have to treat ’em like [expletive]” (New York magazine, Nov. 9, 1992). Nevertheless, narcissists are exquisitely sensitive to any sign of disrespect or imagined slight that threatens their self-concept. When Trump says, “The rich have a very low threshold for pain” (New York magazine, Feb. 11, 1985), he includes himself.

Trump learned to attack from his father, who “taught me to keep my guard up” (Esquire, January 2004). When attacked, narcissists retaliate to reverse feelings of humiliation and restore their pride. “If someone screws you, screw them back. When somebody hurts you, just go after them as viciously and as violently as you can” (How to Get Rich, 2004). “If somebody tries to push me around, he’s going to pay a price. Those people don’t come back for seconds. I don’t like being pushed around or taken advantage of” (Playboy, March 1990).

He told Scott Pelley that his father was “a tough cookie” — a strict, “no-nonsense kind of guy” (Playboy, March 1990). There are many ways parents can shame their children and instill the belief that they’re not worthy of love. Scolding feelings and needs or emphasizing high expectations convey conditional, tough love, which makes a child feel unaccepted for who they are. Sadly, the implication is that without success (or for a female narcissist, often beauty), no one would care about me. “Let’s say I was worth $10. People would say, ‘Who the [expletive] are you?’” (Washington Post, July 12, 2015). Instead, they must earn their parents’ acceptance. Ted Levine, Trump’s high school roommate, described the kind of pressure to excel that the boys were under. “He had to be better than his father. We were sent here to be the best of the best, and we knew what our job was.”

To compensate for insecurity and shame, narcissists feel superior, often expressed with disdain or contempt. Arrogance and putdowns bolster their egos by projecting the devalued parts of themselves onto others. Trump has disparagingly and publicly labeled various people a “dog,” “bimbo,” “dummy,” “grotesque,” “losers,” or “morons.” Narcissists’ invectives are made worse by their lack of empathy, which enables them to see people as two-dimensional objects to meet their needs. “It really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of [expletive]” (Esquire, 1991). Objectifying others demonstrates how insensitively they were treated growing up.

“Not the quarry, but the chase; not the trophy, but the race” inspires Trump. “The same assets that excite me in the chase, often, once they are acquired, leave me bored. For me … the important thing is the getting, not the having” (Surviving at the Top, 1990). Conquest and winning reaffirm a narcissist’s power. “It’s all in the hunt and once you get it, it loses some of its energy. I think competitive, successful men feel that way about women”.

Victory also bolsters unexpressed feelings of insufficiency. Trump so hinted, saying, “Oftentimes when I was sleeping with one of the top women in the world I would say to myself, thinking about me as a boy from Queens, ‘Can you believe what I am getting?’” (Think Big: Make it Happen in Business and Life, 2008).

However, power and love don’t easily coexist. “Intimacy requires vulnerability, letting down one’s guard and being authentic to get close emotionally — all signs of weakness that are frightening and abhorrent to a narcissist. Rather than give up power and control, which risk exposure of their false persona, many narcissists have short relationships or are distancers when more than sex is anticipated”

Love relationships are about connecting — something herculean for a narcissist. “For me, business comes easier than relationships” (Esquire, January 2004). “I’m married to my business. It’s been a marriage of love. So, for a woman, frankly, it’s not easy in terms of relationships” (New York magazine, Dec. 13, 2004). “I was bored when she (Marla) was walking down the aisle. I kept thinking: What the hell am I doing here? I was so deep into my business stuff. I couldn’t think of anything else”.

The fate of any organization is largely a function of that organization’s leadership. The “organization” of the United States is no exception to this rule. While he leads in the polls for the Republican party candidacy, it seems only appropriate that we understand and think about the type of leader Donald Trump would be for the United States.

I do not know Mr. Trump personally and I have never had the opportunity to assess his personality professionally (though I’d be happy to do so if he were willing). Thus, my views are based purely on watching his behavior. His personality is captured by his reputation, which is the sum of his behavior, and organized by a standard set of themes as follows.

We can look at both sides of Mr. Trump’s personality. The Bright Side (how he typically behaves when he’s at his best) and the Dark Side (how he typically behaves when he lets down his guard).

Beginning with the Bright Side we can expect Mr. Trump to be:

• Highly Adjusted. Mr. Trump seems not at all anxious or nervous. He will appear calm under pressure, won’t take criticism personally, and is quite pleased with himself as a person. The downside is that he will be reluctant to listen to feedback — especially negative feedback — from others.
• Highly Ambitious. Mr. Trump seems competitive, wants to win, and wants to be in charge. He will be concerned about results and getting things done. On the downside, he may tend to compete with those who are actually on his team and potentially alienate his staff if he does.
• Highly Sociable. Mr. Trump likes to entertain, to be the center of attention, and to talk…a lot. The obvious downside is that he can be unwilling to listen, overbearing, and shoot off at the mouth without thinking.
• Low on Interpersonal Sensitivity. Mr. Trump is direct, doesn’t shy away from confrontation, or really care much about peoples’ feelings. The upside is that he is willing to let people go when needed (e.g., “You’re Fired”). The downside is that he is hostile and alienates others.
• Low on Prudence. Mr. Trump doesn’t care much for rules and tends to avoid them. He is independent minded and seems unconcerned with details. The positive side is that he will be quick to make decisions and to make things happen.
• Highly Inquisitive. Mr. Trump has a lot of ideas and a big imagination. He’ll have all sorts of ideas for solving problems, but he may have problems implementing them and can be a bit unpredictable.

On the Dark Side we can expect Mr Trump to be:

• Highly Bold. This is Mr. Trump’s most defining characteristic. He seems unusually self-confident, and shows feelings of grandiosity and entitlement. These individuals tend to make a good first impression, but are difficult to work with because they feel entitled to special treatment, ignore their critics, and intimidate others. He’ll tend to overestimate his capabilities.
• Highly Mischievous. Mr. Trump seems charming, interesting, and daring. He enjoys taking risks, pushing the limits, and seems to thrive on excitement. Such people are hard to work with because they are impulsive, downplay their mistakes, take ill-advised risks, and have no regrets.
• Highly Colourful. Mr. Trump seems quick, fun, and socially skilled. He loves making use of his celebrity and having his accomplishments recognised. He’s very good at calling attention to himself. Such people are hard to work with because they are self-promoting, over committed, and easily angered.
• Low on Diligence. See Prudence above, but multiply everything by two.
• Low on Dutifulness. Mr. Trump likes to defy the status quo, doesn’t care about pleasing others, and is quick to make decisions. He won’t take orders (or advice) from many people (if anyone).

In summary, what we can expect from Mr. Trump is what we have already seen and know about his reputation. What does this mean for the United States? People tend to vote for leaders in their own image. Thus, the personality of Mr. Trump also highlights the characteristics of those who will likely support and vote for him. As such, Mr. Trump’s popularity in the polls also serves as an indicator of our current American culture.