Author: Ann Silvers

Ann Silvers, MA is a counselor and hypnotherapist. She is author of A quick look at Anxiety, and creator of hypnosis recordings, including Discover Calm: Anti-Anxiety Hypnosis and Release and Refresh: Hypnosis for Letting Go.

Get rid of the negative self-talk

You can be your own worst enemy. Negative critical messages you say to yourself can rev up your stress, hold you back, and take you down!

Negative self-talk are messages like:

  • “You’re stupid.”
  • “You can’t do anything right!”
  • “You’re ugly.”
  • “What a loser.”
  • “You’ll never amount to anything.”

The messages in your head may be generated from low self-esteem or be repeats of messages voiced by flawed parents.

All too often, parents who don’t deal with their own shortcomings put them onto their children.

If you were repeatedly put down by a parent or other important adult—that was their stuff, not yours.

I noticed that I would say “You’re stupid” whenever I was disappointed in something I thought or did.

That message had haunted me for years but letting myself hear it clearly led me to being able to banish it from my inner repertoire.

In bringing the message up from my subconscious to my conscious in such a clear way I knew immediately where the message came from. My mother sent me that message in a myriad of ways including saying “You’re so stupid!”

I also realized “I’m not stupid.” This was mom’s stuff. She had her attributes but she had an 8th grade education and—as she would say about other people but not herself—she was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.  Mom overcompensated for her own ignored inadequate feelings by putting me down.

I developed a system for countering the message.

I came up with a list of evidence that I’m not stupid.

Whenever I heard “You’re stupid” in my head, I would say to myself “Reality check.” Then I would recount the list of evidence that I’m not stupid.

Eventually, I didn’t need to use all the items on my evidence list before I would feel myself snap out of feeling inadequate.

A short time later, I didn’t need the list anymore. Just saying “Reality check” would undo the “You’re stupid” message.

And soon, “You’re stupid” went away.

I had been rid of the “You’re stupid” message for over 20 years when one of my sisters told me she too had been haunted by “You’re stupid.”

I said to her “You too?” to express my surprise.  And she replied “With our mother, how could you not.”

To get rid of negative self-talk take these steps:

  1. Begin to notice it. Pay attention to what you say to yourself. Rather than push it away, bring it up to full awareness and hear the message clearly. Possibly write it down so you’ve really got it.
  1. Counter the message. The phrase “Reality Check” worked for me as a signal to counter the message. That may work for you too. Whether or not you use that signal, you want to challenge the message and provide yourself with evidence to the contrary. It may be helpful to write out the evidence.
  1. Replace negative with positive. Possibly replace the negative message with its positive counterpart. “You’re stupid” can be replaced with “You’re not stupid” “You’re smart” “You can do this” “Academics aren’t your thing but there’s more to smart than school grades” or something else that empowers you.

Exercise

Reflect on whether you have any negative self-talk.

Where did that message come from?

How has the message gotten in your way?

Use the steps to practice riding yourself of the counterproductive message.

Anxiety Symptoms: Woman share her own experience

We feel anxiety emotionally and we feel anxiety physically.

Anxiety symptoms can be both emotional and physical.

What anxiety feels like emotionally?

Anxiety is a fearful feeling that seems to get a hold of you and not let go.

It can drive you to act in a demanding or irrational way as you attempt to get relief from the fear. Or it can narrow your world as you reduce your exposure to situations that stimulate the fear.

The emotional side of anxiety can be felt as:

  • fear,
  • apprehension,
  • tension,
  • agitation,
  • angst,
  • stress,
  • uneasiness,
  • worry,
  • nervousness,
  • a sense of impending doom,
  • trepidation,
  • foreboding,
  • panic, or
  • being trapped, controlled, or overwhelmed.

Where your anxiety falls on this list of emotion descriptions may be determined by how intense the anxiety is at any given time. (For example, panic is more intense than worry.)

What anxiety feels like physically?

The physical side of anxiety can also be felt at different intensities, from an uneasy jittery physical feeling that accompanies worry, to full bore panic that feels like you are dying.

In fact, panic sends many people to emergency rooms because it can mimic the symptoms of a heart attack.

When anxiety hits its most intense form it is often called a panic attack. (Some call it an anxiety attack, but I think that panic attack is a better label. I see anxiety as less intense than a panic attack.)

A panic attack is very intense for a time—at least 10 minutes—but then usually subsides within an hour. After the panic feeling is reduced, an anxious feeling can remain, but the severity of physical symptoms is not as great as during the panic attack.

Physical symptoms of anxiety can include:

  • muscular tension, aches, and pains,
  • headaches,
  • upset stomach,
  • gastrointestinal problems (diarrhea, constipation, gas),
  • loss of appetite or increased appetite,
  • sweating,
  • trembling or shaking,
  • dry mouth,
  • feeling hot or cold,
  • hyper energy or low energy,
  • a lethargic worn-out feeling,
  • weakness in legs,
  • sleep disturbance (difficulty getting to sleep or staying asleep),
  • inability to relax,
  • brain fog or difficulty concentrating,
  • hypersensitivity to noise or touch, or
  • a closed down feeling in throat.

Physical symptoms of a panic attack can include any of the above plus:

  • chest pain,
  • increased heart rate,
  • shortness of breath,
  • extreme nausea,
  • extreme shift in body temperature, or
  • feeling faint or light-headed.

My own experience

I have experienced two panic attacks myself. They definitely are no fun.

Panic attacks are scary multiplied: they are caused by something scary and they are scary.

My first panic attack lasted about a half hour. It was spurred by my receipt of a threatening email from an ex-boyfriend. The panic reduced when I called someone to help me deal with the situation and I felt more secure.

The second panic attack occurred about a week later when I received another email in which his threats escalated. That attack lasted for about an hour. During that attack, I laid down on the floor because I was worried that I might pass out and I figured if I passed out on the floor at least I wouldn’t fall and hurt myself.

After the second attack, I took myself to a hypnotherapist friend. She fixed me up and I never had another panic attack.

I think that my personal experiences with anxiety and panic, combined with my professional education and experience as a counselor, give me an insight into anxiety that is more complete than most.

I know that my clients are often relieved to discover that I have experienced panic first hand and so have an understanding of what they have been through.